


why is loving you not fair

by ciminos



Series: heartbreak weather [1]
Category: Love Victor (TV 2020)
Genre: 1x02, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Basically takes place after Benji calls Victor about the job, Benjamin "Benji" Cambell, Canon Compliant, Canon Rewrite, Episode: s01e02 Stoplight Party, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Mia Brooks - Freeform, Victor Salazar - Freeform, Victor needs a hug, and yes Derek doesn't exist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:01:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25498030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ciminos/pseuds/ciminos
Summary: Victor and Benji stay on the phone longer when Benji originally calls to tell Victor he's got the job and Benji worries about him meanwhile Victor can't stop thinking about kissing him.
Relationships: Benjamin "Benji" Campbell/Victor Salazar
Series: heartbreak weather [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1854487
Comments: 15
Kudos: 102





	why is loving you not fair

**Author's Note:**

> I hate writing angst because I just want them to be happy but I tried my hardest!

Victor switches on the light to his bedroom as he walks in and throws himself onto his bed. It was only a little passed 10pm but he was already physically exhausted from the party. After his conversation with his father that he had just had in the hallway he began to think about his relationship with Mia. 

His father had told him about how he felt when he first met his mom. He explained that his mom was someone he felt very emotionally connected to even after such a short amount of time. How they both cried together on their first date and how she made him feel special. 

The thing is, he did feel like he had a _connection_ with Mia. He really did like her. When Mia told him about how she often felt lonely in that large house by herself, Victor felt bad for her. Like he wished he could pluck her from that life and place her somewhere where she would be happy.

He wanted to make sure Mia never felt alone. That’s just the kind of person he was. He rarely put himself first when it came to anything. Whether it was the last pancake at breakfast or having to push his emotions aside so that he could be the mediator in his family, never once did he care about what he wanted more than what others did. 

So, maybe this could work out. Maybe he would be able to have a girlfriend whom he liked and could make feel a little less lonely. Maybe eventually whatever he had going on with Benji would fizzle out and they could just be friends without the added tension that Victor felt whenever he was around him. 

Victor is pulled out of his thoughts by the ringing of his phone. He notices that it’s from an unknown number and he hesitates before answering. 

“Hello?”

“Hey Victor, it’s Benji.” As soon as he hears the words come from the other side of the line he freezes. 

He thinks back to earlier in the day when he practically ran out of the coffee shop when things started getting a little too overwhelming. Normally he wasn’t one to run away from a situation, but with Benji standing a little too close and touching him a little too softly, Victor needed to get out of there. 

“Sorry it’s late, I hope I’m not waking you.” Benji’s voice is soft and sweet and Victor can barely focus on a word he’s saying.

“I-I’m up, what’s going on?” 

“Look, I know today’s barista lesson didn’t go perfectly but, since none of the other rich ass kids at school need jobs you’re kinda my only applicant,” Victor can hear Benji’s smile through the phone and practically feels his heart doing flips. “so the position is yours.” 

Spending everyday after school with Benji. Victor could barely handle being around him for 5 minutes before having to back away, he wasn’t sure that he would be able to work right next to him. What if they bumped into each other and ended up super close? What if they both went to reach for the coffee beans at the same time and their hands grazed?

They hadn’t even known each other that long but Victor felt him inside his chest like he belonged there. He felt him even now, when he was just a voice on the other side of the phone. Especially now, when he couldn’t stop thinking about kissing him.

“Um,” Victor looked over onto his desk at the basketball permission slip. $500. The truth is he really needed this job if he was going to play basketball. It was the perfect place to work, except for the fact that he would be forced to work closely with someone who constantly occupied his mind from the second he saw him. But he hadn’t seen any other place hiring and Brasstown happened to be walking distance from his house. He had no other choice.

“Yeah, thanks.” Victor states, hoping his internal struggle isn’t clear in his voice. 

“Great, we’ll I’ll see you tomorrow and everyday after school until the end of time,” 

Victor hopes that his sharp inhale couldn’t be heard through the phone.

“We’re gonna be spending a lot of time together.” 

Victor lets himself imagine hanging out with Benji everyday. Maybe they would drive to work together. Maybe they would create inside jokes about customers. Maybe they would go on work trips together.

“Can’t wait.” Victor smiles to himself.

“Bye.” Benji says, and Victor’s smile starts to fade. He doesn’t want him to hang up yet. He wants to talk to Benji for hours about everything. He wants to know what his favorite color is and what he has for breakfast in the morning and what he plans to do when he graduates. He wants to know everything about him but at the same time he wants to know nothing about him.

He doesn’t want any more reasons to fall for Benji. He needs to be with Mia. She’s a girl so it makes sense. Benji didn’t make sense. Benji was just a small man-crush that would eventually fade he tries to convince himself.

“Wait!” Victor says before he can stop himself. He practically yells which is a little too loud for 10pm and he prays that his parents don’t come in and ask if something’s wrong.

“Um, what’s going on- I mean, what’s up- what are you doing?” Victor feels his cheeks heat from embarrassment. 

“Oh, I’m just closing up here at work, why?” 

“Well I just got back from this party and I don’t know, just been doing a lot of thinking I guess.” Normally Victor wasn’t one to share his feelings with people, but when he talked to Benji he couldn’t stop himself. Benji was like a magnet pulling his emotions out of him and no matter how hard he tried to put up walls, Benji would break them down almost immediately. Benji felt like a safe place and that terrified him.

He wished that he didn’t have to feel this way. He wished that Mia brought out this side of him the same way Benji does. He wished that Mia was the one that he got flustered around and felt a real connection to. He did feel something for her, but it didn’t come close to how we felt anytime he looked at or even thought about Benji. He needed something more and maybe he would have to force that connection but at least it would be better than his parents never looking at him the same if he ever came home with Benji.

How much easier would his life be if he could forget about Benji and be happy with Mia? He knows that she is perfect for him. She’s smart and funny and kind, but she’s just not Benji. Sure she makes him feel something but it isn’t anything more than a strong admiration. With Benji he feels attraction, affection, passion.

He wishes he could deny it. That he could ignore these feelings and be who his parents want him to be. His parents want grandkids and a sweet daughter-in-law and that isn’t something Benji could ever give him. Victor is pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of Benji pulling out a chair and sitting down on the other end of the line. He blinks back the tears forming in his eyes.

“Is everything okay?” Benji asks concernedly.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine, see you tomorrow.” Victor pushes out and hopes that Benji doesn’t notice the lump in his throat or the small sob that escapes as he finishes the sentence.

“Victor-“ Benji’s voice is cut off by Victor hanging up the phone and tossing it across his bed. He pushes his feelings down and tries to think about anything other than Benji and his dumb smile and kind eyes and sweet voice.

**

Victor doesn’t know how long he lays there staring at the ceiling. He traces his fingers along his other fingers and then traces his thumb over his knuckles. Hoping that it would draw attention away from the dull ache in his chest, the wanting he couldn’t tune out, the needing he couldn’t swat away.

He drops his hands when he hears the sound of something hitting his window. He sits up in his bed and looks over to see a small rock hit his window and make the same noise. 

He slowly stands up and makes his way towards the other side of the room. He stands with his back to the wall and steadily turns his head until he can see down outside. 

It was Benji. He was standing there with a rock in his hand about to throw it towards him until their eyes meet and he lowers his hand.

Victor runs to his bed and picks up his phone before redialing the most recent number on his phone. Benji picks up after the first ring. 

“Benji is that you? What are you doing here?” Victor makes his way back over to the window and looks down at Benji.

“You didn’t sound like you were okay on the phone so I came to check on you,” Benji states like it’s no big deal. Like coming to Victors house in the middle of the night was a normal thing. 

“I brought coffees, and don’t worry they’re decaf.” Victor can’t help the soft chuckle escape his mouth as he looks down at Benji who’s now raising the drink carrier in the air showing off the two drinks. The light from the street lamp illuminates the side of his face and Victor feels the ache in his chest increase.

“Okay, I’ll be down in a minute I just have to sneak out because it’s technically passed my curfew.” Victor says as he pulls on a jacket and and quietly exits his room.

He hangs up the phone and looks around his house. The lights are all out except for the light of the bathroom so Victor slowly walks passed it before practically running to the front door. He tries to convince himself that what he’s really excited for is the coffee, and not the fact that Benji was standing right outside waiting for him.

 _The coffee. The coffee. The coffee._ He recites the words over and over in his head as he walks down the stairs and out towards the front of the building. 

He see’s Benji standing across the yard as he exits the apartment and catches his eyes. He doesn’t feel himself blink as he watches the world around him disappear.

He feels his breath hitch as Benji waves him over. He wants to run away. He wants to go back inside and forget about Benji but he feels himself walk towards him.  
It’s hard to breathe and it’s hard to think about anything as he slowly walks until he’s standing right in front of him. Victor tries to get words out but he can’t. Benji is standing there with that cute smile holding coffee’s that he made for them because he wanted to make sure he was okay, and Victor was freaking out.

He see’s Benji smiles fade after he doesn’t say anything and Victor stares as he watches his hand reach towards him almost unconsciously. A bolt of electricity shoots up Victors arm. He feels his entire body light up, like this was everything he had ever wished for. He feels the ache in his chest start to dull and he tries to pretend that it isn’t happening. 

He forces his gaze down and away in an attempt to let his mind focus on anything else. 

“What’s wrong?” Benji asks, his voice soft and low, knocking Victors thoughts back onto him. 

“I just..” Victor forces himself to look back at Benji. He tries to calm down. He tries to think about Mia. He pictures her standing where Benji is but he can’t. When he thinks about her he physically feels the welling his chest start to increase. He tries to force himself that he wants her. That she’s the one he needs.

Victor’s attention goes back to Benji’s hand on his arm and he feels like it’s burning him. 

“You can’t keep touching me!” Victor practically shouts, unintentionally harsh that he even startles himself. 

Benji snatches his hand back from Victor as if he had been touching hot coals. He looks at his own hand before looking back up to Victor quizzically. 

“I’m sorry Benji it’s just,” _Lie. Lie. Lie._ He feels part of him tell himself. Tell Benji that it’s just because you're tired and that you’ll be fine in the morning. _Tell him. Tell him. Tell him._ He feels another part chant. Tell him you think you’re falling for him and it’s the scariest thing in the world.

He tries his hardest not to say the words out loud. He doesn’t want to say it because then it’ll be true. Maybe if he doesn’t acknowledge his feelings then they would fade. Maybe one day he could look at Benji and not feel like he needs to be with him.

Victor turns around so that his back is to Benji. He wants to run but he doesn’t let himself. He is fully rooted in place and feels like he’s suffocating as his thoughts surround him.

“I’m just having trouble falling asleep.” It takes every bit of strength for Victor to not break right there. He clutches his eyes shut. _Keep lying_ his brain pleaded, _tell him the truth_ his chest begged. 

“Victor.” His eyes snap open and he forces himself to turn around. His eyes lock with Benji’s again and he feels like the world is spinning. He feels like he’s drunk as he watches Benji hesitantly reach out and hand him his cup of coffee.

Victor slowly grabs the hot drink and feels his face heat up to the same temperature.

“Maybe you just need a warm drink.” Benji says and a smile reappears on his face. Victor can tell it’s not forced as he watches his eyebrows scrunch together and eyes begin to crinkle. 

Victor plasters a smile onto his own face before gesturing to the bench that sat behind them and sits down. Benji sits down next to him and Victor suddenly grew hyper aware of the few inches separating them. It took every bit of strength to not reach out and touch Benji. 

“So, how’d you even know where I live anyway?” Victor questions as he takes a sip from the cup. Maybe if they were talking he would be able to focus on something else. 

“Well, your address is on the application you gave me, but that was the easy part. I hit about 10 other windows with rocks before I finally hit yours, your neighbors definitely hate me now.” Benji laughs which makes Victor fall even harder. He feels his heart swell with want. He wants to touch Benji, to grab him by the face right there and kiss him until he felt whole again. To pull him close and never let go. 

Benji runs his hand through his own hair and it feels like Victors entire body is convulsing towards it. Towards him and his pale skin and kind eyes and perfect mouth. 

Victor grabs onto his own arms and tugs on them, holding himself in. He tries his hardest to push the thoughts out of his head. 

Victor doesn’t notice when Benji etches closer but he certainly does notice when he gets pulled into a tight hug. He feels every thought he had tried so hard to push out suddenly escape. He feels every ounce of worry melt. He shuts his eyes and sinks into Benji’s touch. It was as if a hunger was being fed. His chest begins to swell and his brain grows silent.

Benji places his hand on Victor’s back, and then runs his fingers through his hair. With every brush of his head he feels each doubt he’s ever had fall out and fade into nothing. 

Victor pulls out of the hug and looks deep into Benji’s eyes searching for something. What he’s searching for, he’s not sure. 

“Benji,” _You can do it_ his heart chants. His brain is silent for the first time all night and he has never felt more relaxed.

“I think I like you.” When the words finally leave Victors mouth it’s as if he feels a thousand pounds lighter. If it wasn’t so late at night he would probably jump up and run around the neighborhood until his feet ached. 

He felt free for the first time in his life. No worrying about his parents and how they would take the news or about people at school and how they would see him. He could only think about one thing, and that was the boy sitting in front of him.

“You make me feel something Benji, even after such a short amount of time, I feel like I can tell you anything. I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with you.” With each word Victor feels himself let go. Let go of the darkness that had been clouding his mind all night and grasp onto the light that had replaced it.

Benji doesn’t say anything and he feels himself start to worry until suddenly Benji grabs him softly by the neck and pulls him down until their lips meet. Victor is so shocked he stays rigid, unable to comprehend what is happening. But then he melts into Benji. He pulls him closer and kisses back. It’s soft and delicate but also passionate. 

He had kissed girls back in Texas but it never felt the same as Benji did right now. Their lips felt like they were made for each others. Like kissing anyone else would be a sin.

Victor doesn’t know how long they stay there, lips pressed together, eyes fluttered shut, maybe it was a few seconds or maybe a few minutes but he couldn’t tell. 

They eventually break apart and a smile plasters both of their faces. This time when Victor looks into Benji’s eyes he sees a spark, like they were stars glistening in the night sky.

“I like you too, if you couldn’t tell.” Benji teases as Victors smile grows impossibly larger. 

“I should get going it’s pretty late, but I’ll see you tomorrow.” Benji says as if it’s almost a question. Like part of him worries that Victor might pretend the whole thing never happened.  
Victor reaches out and touches him on the shoulder.

“And everyday after school, until the end of time.” Victor jokes, referencing the conversation they had had earlier that night. It’s crazy that so much had happened since that conversation. If Benji never showed up Victor wonders if he would have ever dull the ache in his chest or the want in his heart. 

They stay like that for a little while longer in each others arms looking up at the night sky, both wishing they could stay there forever.


End file.
